3 Weeks Old

Time is flying and everything is a blur.  I'm trying to soak in every moment but the broken sleep and late night arguments with Mark and constant baby care weighs heavy on the brain.  What time is it? Who ate how much last and when? Did Cannon poo last diaper? When did I pump last? Did both boys get their vitamins? When's the next doctor's appointment?

With all the needed day-to-day stuff taking place I still think to myself, "I can't believe I (and Mark of course) made these boys.  How did I get soooo lucky to be blessed with these little people?"

None of this is easy.  Nothing is the same as what it was before babies. Me and Mark, social life, work, plans I may have had.  But it's still all good.  No scratch that, it's all great.  I know the physical part of this will pass and when I hit my mini breaking points I remind myself that this is a blessing and there's a reason I was given these kids.  The boys spent 8 days in the NICU and I do feel that those 8 days were the most difficult days emotionally for me that I have ever experienced in my 26 years.

Wow, I just realized this post is extremely random and all over the place but I guess that's appropriate seeing that I, myself am all over the place these days.  I love life, I love my family....yes even Mark (except for the hours of 12am-3am). Life is here, it knocked on our door, we answered with smiles, fears, nerves, and joy.  I can't possibly ask for anything else.  Wait, yes I can, for mine and Mark's wedding to plan itself.... that's a whole different post... :)

Dude! Scoot over, you're cramping my style.

Cooper's Cleft Journey

Finding out prenatally about Cooper's cleft was a blessing in disguise. I hope to be able to keep track of his cleft journey via blogging because I want him to be able to look back when he's older and see what he has overcome.

I want to first go back to the day we found out Cooper had a cleft. This part isn't so much about Cooper as it is about my reactions and feelings when we found out.

I had to go get a level 2 ultrasound because the regular x-ray tech couldn't get a clear image of baby B's mouth (Cooper).  Of course I was worried going into it, something just didn't seem right. A doctor (who was pregnant) came in to deliver (at that time) the devastating news.  I'm going to be honest here, I had the urge to get up and punch her. How dare she sit there pregnant and perfect and tell me my son had an abnormality? She was so nonchalant about the whole thing, neither her or the nurse asked how I was feeling or really let me process or explain too much. Mark didn't come with me to this appointment so right away I felt scared and alone, then my mind started racing. I fast forwarded to a little  boy in elementary school getting made fun of for looking different and felt physical pain for my unborn son. I cried in the bathroom.  I called Mark and told him he needed to meet me at the doctors cause Cooper did have cleft lip and we needed to meet with a geneticist.  He came right down and we sat down with this doctor who looked like she was 21. Great, I thought... I didn't realize it then but when I look back now I was angry at everyone. We sat with her and went over our family tree for her to determine if we had any history with gene issues.  She then asked us if we'd be interested in an amnio. (where they would test for any potential related birth defects. We declined because no matter what the outcome we wouldn't change our course of pregnancy.  Our early on screenings we did had come back negative. (even though we know anything is still possible.) The doctor was sincere and kind and we asked all the questions we could.  I remember holding back tears the entire time and finally at the end letting some out.  Mark, as always, was so strong.   He asked questions and I could tell had our son's best interest at heart.  I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for myself. Like a, why me type deal.   We walked out of the doctors together and I can't remember what we talked about. Mark walked me to my car and I knew I wasn't going back to work, I was too upset.  I think I ended up starting a fight with Mark before I drove away.  He could not understand why I was so upset and I was upset that he wasn't upset at all.  It was like he didn't care.  Little did I know, he just views things WAY different then me. He made the decision to not go back to work himself and to come home to be with me.  Tensions ran high as I balled on the couch.  It seemed like Mark was getting frustrated with me crying uncontrollably and me getting pissed that he was so okay.  After a few hours of fighting, I calmed down and Mark became comforting.  He explained his outlook on the entire situation and it's like I fell in love with him all over again.  I had a new found respect for Mark and what I felt was wisdom coming from him. He talked about our situation as a whole and how we needed to look at all the good in our life.  I was/am so blessed to have someone like him to bring me back down to Earth and all things real and good when it's needed.  I feel like that night I had an AH-HA moment and from that point on, I enjoyed my pregnancy.  No more worrying about the what-ifs.  It was time to prepare myself and get ready for my boy's arrival.

This entry started by saying finding out about Cooper prenatally was a blessing in disguise.  Why? Because we found out so early it allowed me in the next 16 weeks to read about cleft lip/palate, connect with other people going through the same issues as well as experienced them already, and meet with Cooper's surgery team.

3D ultrasound at 24 weeks - you can what looks like a crack under his nose

Cooper in NICU - mad at mom for taking his duck away.