3 Weeks Old

Time is flying and everything is a blur.  I'm trying to soak in every moment but the broken sleep and late night arguments with Mark and constant baby care weighs heavy on the brain.  What time is it? Who ate how much last and when? Did Cannon poo last diaper? When did I pump last? Did both boys get their vitamins? When's the next doctor's appointment?

With all the needed day-to-day stuff taking place I still think to myself, "I can't believe I (and Mark of course) made these boys.  How did I get soooo lucky to be blessed with these little people?"

None of this is easy.  Nothing is the same as what it was before babies. Me and Mark, social life, work, plans I may have had.  But it's still all good.  No scratch that, it's all great.  I know the physical part of this will pass and when I hit my mini breaking points I remind myself that this is a blessing and there's a reason I was given these kids.  The boys spent 8 days in the NICU and I do feel that those 8 days were the most difficult days emotionally for me that I have ever experienced in my 26 years.

Wow, I just realized this post is extremely random and all over the place but I guess that's appropriate seeing that I, myself am all over the place these days.  I love life, I love my family....yes even Mark (except for the hours of 12am-3am). Life is here, it knocked on our door, we answered with smiles, fears, nerves, and joy.  I can't possibly ask for anything else.  Wait, yes I can, for mine and Mark's wedding to plan itself.... that's a whole different post... :)

Dude! Scoot over, you're cramping my style.

Cooper's Cleft Journey

Finding out prenatally about Cooper's cleft was a blessing in disguise. I hope to be able to keep track of his cleft journey via blogging because I want him to be able to look back when he's older and see what he has overcome.

I want to first go back to the day we found out Cooper had a cleft. This part isn't so much about Cooper as it is about my reactions and feelings when we found out.

I had to go get a level 2 ultrasound because the regular x-ray tech couldn't get a clear image of baby B's mouth (Cooper).  Of course I was worried going into it, something just didn't seem right. A doctor (who was pregnant) came in to deliver (at that time) the devastating news.  I'm going to be honest here, I had the urge to get up and punch her. How dare she sit there pregnant and perfect and tell me my son had an abnormality? She was so nonchalant about the whole thing, neither her or the nurse asked how I was feeling or really let me process or explain too much. Mark didn't come with me to this appointment so right away I felt scared and alone, then my mind started racing. I fast forwarded to a little  boy in elementary school getting made fun of for looking different and felt physical pain for my unborn son. I cried in the bathroom.  I called Mark and told him he needed to meet me at the doctors cause Cooper did have cleft lip and we needed to meet with a geneticist.  He came right down and we sat down with this doctor who looked like she was 21. Great, I thought... I didn't realize it then but when I look back now I was angry at everyone. We sat with her and went over our family tree for her to determine if we had any history with gene issues.  She then asked us if we'd be interested in an amnio. (where they would test for any potential related birth defects. We declined because no matter what the outcome we wouldn't change our course of pregnancy.  Our early on screenings we did had come back negative. (even though we know anything is still possible.) The doctor was sincere and kind and we asked all the questions we could.  I remember holding back tears the entire time and finally at the end letting some out.  Mark, as always, was so strong.   He asked questions and I could tell had our son's best interest at heart.  I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for myself. Like a, why me type deal.   We walked out of the doctors together and I can't remember what we talked about. Mark walked me to my car and I knew I wasn't going back to work, I was too upset.  I think I ended up starting a fight with Mark before I drove away.  He could not understand why I was so upset and I was upset that he wasn't upset at all.  It was like he didn't care.  Little did I know, he just views things WAY different then me. He made the decision to not go back to work himself and to come home to be with me.  Tensions ran high as I balled on the couch.  It seemed like Mark was getting frustrated with me crying uncontrollably and me getting pissed that he was so okay.  After a few hours of fighting, I calmed down and Mark became comforting.  He explained his outlook on the entire situation and it's like I fell in love with him all over again.  I had a new found respect for Mark and what I felt was wisdom coming from him. He talked about our situation as a whole and how we needed to look at all the good in our life.  I was/am so blessed to have someone like him to bring me back down to Earth and all things real and good when it's needed.  I feel like that night I had an AH-HA moment and from that point on, I enjoyed my pregnancy.  No more worrying about the what-ifs.  It was time to prepare myself and get ready for my boy's arrival.

This entry started by saying finding out about Cooper prenatally was a blessing in disguise.  Why? Because we found out so early it allowed me in the next 16 weeks to read about cleft lip/palate, connect with other people going through the same issues as well as experienced them already, and meet with Cooper's surgery team.

3D ultrasound at 24 weeks - you can what looks like a crack under his nose

Cooper in NICU - mad at mom for taking his duck away.

Cannon and Cooper's Birth Story

They're here! They're here! The story from the phone call to the drive home from the hospital:

Tuesday December 7th 2010- I had been monitoring my blood pressure at home and knew it was slowly creeping up.  Mark and I had already been back and forth to L&D twice, the latest was on the 7th. The on-call doctor sent me home because there was no one to get my blood work back until the following day, he said if they came back abnormal, I'd get a phone call. So we went home.

Wednesday December 8th 201o- I woke up feeling very good for being 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I did the dishes after Mark left for work (even though I wasn't supposed to) and got more thank you cards done from my shower. Had a list of things I was going to try to accomplish. My cell rang at 11:30 from the doctors. It was my OB. She said she got the results from my latest blood work and she felt it was still going up and it would be best for me and the boys to be induced that day. I said okay and started making the calls.  Mark came straight home from work and I started putting a few last things together and took a shower. Mark and I decided to stop at Target to buy a camera and camcorder that we wanted to make sure we got before the boys came. We checked into L&D and I was induced sometime between 3:00 and 4:00pm (foley bulb and pitocin). I was already 2 cm and 80% effaced when induced. At 4 cm I got the epidural. This may have been a mistake because I do not feel I was in active labor yet and think the epidural wore off...if that's possible...Along with the epidural I was put on magnesium because my blood pressure was rising, which meant I had to get a catheter before I even got the epidural (ouch- let's just say they had issues getting it into my bladder and had to redo it twice and even before that had to poke my quite a few times for my IV (which hurt the worst, and ended up in my hand)...so okay back on track, my epidural is in, after a few tries as well...It feels real good at first and I'm hanging out the rest of the evening.

Thursday December 9th 2010- Around 1:30-2:00 am I'm starting to feel some pain.  I'm not quite sure why but I'm feeling my toes again, but it's still bearable. by the time 4:00-5:00 am rolls around I'm really contracting and I have consistent pain in two places lower abdominal and on right side of back very low (think it was Cooper's positioning. I had no relief during contractions and at that point realized I'm starting to want to push. Doc came in around 6:00 and said I was 8.5-9 cm and she would be back around 7:00 to check again. She came back around 6:45 said I was ready to go and to prep the OR. I waited in BAD pain while they prepped and they wheeled me in a huge overwhelming room. The birth plan is vaginal but I consented to a C-Section if needed. Doctors started to file in the OR and introduce themselves, if I wasnt in pain I would probably be really scared but I didnt care if it was Sally, Dick, or Jane...I was hurting and wanted it to stop.
8:20am Cannon comes into the WORLD! The Dr. immediately does an ultrasound to check Coopers positioning. Delivering Dr, has her hand inside me guiding Coopers head as I pushed.
8:54am Cooper comes into the WORLD!

The next 20 minutes were spent delivering the placenta and clearing the uterus of any blood clots. This by the way was very painful....and not fun!

I was wheeled back into my room, where family joined me shortly after to see how I and the boys were doing. Mark took everyone one by one to see the boys in the NICU. I slept for an hour while everyone went to lunch. Once Mark got back from lunch he wheeled me into the NICU to see my sons. A NICU nurse took a picture of the family, that now when I look at it, I can't remember taking it. I didn't realize how heavily medicated I was, (I was pumped full of pain meds during the cleaning of my uterus). The rest of Thursday night was a blur, as I ate a liquid diet. Throughout the evening a few more visitors came by and we went and spent some more time in the NICU with the boys.

Friday December 10th 2010 - I am still on the fabulous liquid diet due to me still being on the magnesium. Came off the Magnesium later on in the afternoon and was able to eat a real lunch and finally walk myself to the NICU.  We met with an Occupational Therapist to discuss Coopers Cleft Lip and what was the best way to feed him. More visitors came and went throughout the day and evening seeing both us and the boys. I took every opportunity to visit the boys during every feeding and was able to feed them both for that day for the first time.

Saturday December 11th 2010 -I am still attending every feeding, and hanging out with the boys as much as possible. Many Doctors came to visit throughout the day to discuss things with us being that we were being discharged at 6pm that evening. When we were discharged we went to the boys 6pm feeding and then drove home roughly around 7:15pm. The whole car ride home I was trying to wrap my head around everything that took place over the last few days. I felt and feel very proud of myself for not crying when we left the boys, but that was not easy! I had and I am still continuing to tell myself that this is short term and soon enough my boys will be home.

Mark and I got home Saturday evening and decided to open up a bottle of wine. I had less then a half of a glass due to me pumping and Mark had a few glasses and was feeling NICE. We cuddled on the couch with the Christmas tree lit and the fire place on before falling asleep.

Cannon Alex Johnson

Cooper Anthony Johnson

Cannon- 5.9 lbs/18 3/4 inches
Cooper - 4.11 lbs/17 3/4 inches