3 Weeks Old

Time is flying and everything is a blur.  I'm trying to soak in every moment but the broken sleep and late night arguments with Mark and constant baby care weighs heavy on the brain.  What time is it? Who ate how much last and when? Did Cannon poo last diaper? When did I pump last? Did both boys get their vitamins? When's the next doctor's appointment?

With all the needed day-to-day stuff taking place I still think to myself, "I can't believe I (and Mark of course) made these boys.  How did I get soooo lucky to be blessed with these little people?"

None of this is easy.  Nothing is the same as what it was before babies. Me and Mark, social life, work, plans I may have had.  But it's still all good.  No scratch that, it's all great.  I know the physical part of this will pass and when I hit my mini breaking points I remind myself that this is a blessing and there's a reason I was given these kids.  The boys spent 8 days in the NICU and I do feel that those 8 days were the most difficult days emotionally for me that I have ever experienced in my 26 years.

Wow, I just realized this post is extremely random and all over the place but I guess that's appropriate seeing that I, myself am all over the place these days.  I love life, I love my family....yes even Mark (except for the hours of 12am-3am). Life is here, it knocked on our door, we answered with smiles, fears, nerves, and joy.  I can't possibly ask for anything else.  Wait, yes I can, for mine and Mark's wedding to plan itself.... that's a whole different post... :)

Dude! Scoot over, you're cramping my style.

Cooper's Cleft Journey

Finding out prenatally about Cooper's cleft was a blessing in disguise. I hope to be able to keep track of his cleft journey via blogging because I want him to be able to look back when he's older and see what he has overcome.

I want to first go back to the day we found out Cooper had a cleft. This part isn't so much about Cooper as it is about my reactions and feelings when we found out.

I had to go get a level 2 ultrasound because the regular x-ray tech couldn't get a clear image of baby B's mouth (Cooper).  Of course I was worried going into it, something just didn't seem right. A doctor (who was pregnant) came in to deliver (at that time) the devastating news.  I'm going to be honest here, I had the urge to get up and punch her. How dare she sit there pregnant and perfect and tell me my son had an abnormality? She was so nonchalant about the whole thing, neither her or the nurse asked how I was feeling or really let me process or explain too much. Mark didn't come with me to this appointment so right away I felt scared and alone, then my mind started racing. I fast forwarded to a little  boy in elementary school getting made fun of for looking different and felt physical pain for my unborn son. I cried in the bathroom.  I called Mark and told him he needed to meet me at the doctors cause Cooper did have cleft lip and we needed to meet with a geneticist.  He came right down and we sat down with this doctor who looked like she was 21. Great, I thought... I didn't realize it then but when I look back now I was angry at everyone. We sat with her and went over our family tree for her to determine if we had any history with gene issues.  She then asked us if we'd be interested in an amnio. (where they would test for any potential related birth defects. We declined because no matter what the outcome we wouldn't change our course of pregnancy.  Our early on screenings we did had come back negative. (even though we know anything is still possible.) The doctor was sincere and kind and we asked all the questions we could.  I remember holding back tears the entire time and finally at the end letting some out.  Mark, as always, was so strong.   He asked questions and I could tell had our son's best interest at heart.  I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for myself. Like a, why me type deal.   We walked out of the doctors together and I can't remember what we talked about. Mark walked me to my car and I knew I wasn't going back to work, I was too upset.  I think I ended up starting a fight with Mark before I drove away.  He could not understand why I was so upset and I was upset that he wasn't upset at all.  It was like he didn't care.  Little did I know, he just views things WAY different then me. He made the decision to not go back to work himself and to come home to be with me.  Tensions ran high as I balled on the couch.  It seemed like Mark was getting frustrated with me crying uncontrollably and me getting pissed that he was so okay.  After a few hours of fighting, I calmed down and Mark became comforting.  He explained his outlook on the entire situation and it's like I fell in love with him all over again.  I had a new found respect for Mark and what I felt was wisdom coming from him. He talked about our situation as a whole and how we needed to look at all the good in our life.  I was/am so blessed to have someone like him to bring me back down to Earth and all things real and good when it's needed.  I feel like that night I had an AH-HA moment and from that point on, I enjoyed my pregnancy.  No more worrying about the what-ifs.  It was time to prepare myself and get ready for my boy's arrival.

This entry started by saying finding out about Cooper prenatally was a blessing in disguise.  Why? Because we found out so early it allowed me in the next 16 weeks to read about cleft lip/palate, connect with other people going through the same issues as well as experienced them already, and meet with Cooper's surgery team.

3D ultrasound at 24 weeks - you can what looks like a crack under his nose

Cooper in NICU - mad at mom for taking his duck away.

Cannon and Cooper's Birth Story

They're here! They're here! The story from the phone call to the drive home from the hospital:

Tuesday December 7th 2010- I had been monitoring my blood pressure at home and knew it was slowly creeping up.  Mark and I had already been back and forth to L&D twice, the latest was on the 7th. The on-call doctor sent me home because there was no one to get my blood work back until the following day, he said if they came back abnormal, I'd get a phone call. So we went home.

Wednesday December 8th 201o- I woke up feeling very good for being 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I did the dishes after Mark left for work (even though I wasn't supposed to) and got more thank you cards done from my shower. Had a list of things I was going to try to accomplish. My cell rang at 11:30 from the doctors. It was my OB. She said she got the results from my latest blood work and she felt it was still going up and it would be best for me and the boys to be induced that day. I said okay and started making the calls.  Mark came straight home from work and I started putting a few last things together and took a shower. Mark and I decided to stop at Target to buy a camera and camcorder that we wanted to make sure we got before the boys came. We checked into L&D and I was induced sometime between 3:00 and 4:00pm (foley bulb and pitocin). I was already 2 cm and 80% effaced when induced. At 4 cm I got the epidural. This may have been a mistake because I do not feel I was in active labor yet and think the epidural wore off...if that's possible...Along with the epidural I was put on magnesium because my blood pressure was rising, which meant I had to get a catheter before I even got the epidural (ouch- let's just say they had issues getting it into my bladder and had to redo it twice and even before that had to poke my quite a few times for my IV (which hurt the worst, and ended up in my hand)...so okay back on track, my epidural is in, after a few tries as well...It feels real good at first and I'm hanging out the rest of the evening.

Thursday December 9th 2010- Around 1:30-2:00 am I'm starting to feel some pain.  I'm not quite sure why but I'm feeling my toes again, but it's still bearable. by the time 4:00-5:00 am rolls around I'm really contracting and I have consistent pain in two places lower abdominal and on right side of back very low (think it was Cooper's positioning. I had no relief during contractions and at that point realized I'm starting to want to push. Doc came in around 6:00 and said I was 8.5-9 cm and she would be back around 7:00 to check again. She came back around 6:45 said I was ready to go and to prep the OR. I waited in BAD pain while they prepped and they wheeled me in a huge overwhelming room. The birth plan is vaginal but I consented to a C-Section if needed. Doctors started to file in the OR and introduce themselves, if I wasnt in pain I would probably be really scared but I didnt care if it was Sally, Dick, or Jane...I was hurting and wanted it to stop.
8:20am Cannon comes into the WORLD! The Dr. immediately does an ultrasound to check Coopers positioning. Delivering Dr, has her hand inside me guiding Coopers head as I pushed.
8:54am Cooper comes into the WORLD!

The next 20 minutes were spent delivering the placenta and clearing the uterus of any blood clots. This by the way was very painful....and not fun!

I was wheeled back into my room, where family joined me shortly after to see how I and the boys were doing. Mark took everyone one by one to see the boys in the NICU. I slept for an hour while everyone went to lunch. Once Mark got back from lunch he wheeled me into the NICU to see my sons. A NICU nurse took a picture of the family, that now when I look at it, I can't remember taking it. I didn't realize how heavily medicated I was, (I was pumped full of pain meds during the cleaning of my uterus). The rest of Thursday night was a blur, as I ate a liquid diet. Throughout the evening a few more visitors came by and we went and spent some more time in the NICU with the boys.

Friday December 10th 2010 - I am still on the fabulous liquid diet due to me still being on the magnesium. Came off the Magnesium later on in the afternoon and was able to eat a real lunch and finally walk myself to the NICU.  We met with an Occupational Therapist to discuss Coopers Cleft Lip and what was the best way to feed him. More visitors came and went throughout the day and evening seeing both us and the boys. I took every opportunity to visit the boys during every feeding and was able to feed them both for that day for the first time.

Saturday December 11th 2010 -I am still attending every feeding, and hanging out with the boys as much as possible. Many Doctors came to visit throughout the day to discuss things with us being that we were being discharged at 6pm that evening. When we were discharged we went to the boys 6pm feeding and then drove home roughly around 7:15pm. The whole car ride home I was trying to wrap my head around everything that took place over the last few days. I felt and feel very proud of myself for not crying when we left the boys, but that was not easy! I had and I am still continuing to tell myself that this is short term and soon enough my boys will be home.

Mark and I got home Saturday evening and decided to open up a bottle of wine. I had less then a half of a glass due to me pumping and Mark had a few glasses and was feeling NICE. We cuddled on the couch with the Christmas tree lit and the fire place on before falling asleep.

Cannon Alex Johnson

Cooper Anthony Johnson

Cannon- 5.9 lbs/18 3/4 inches
Cooper - 4.11 lbs/17 3/4 inches

33 weeks 2 days - Dru's Rollercoaster Ride

 

Chubba Bubba

Pregnancy life nowadays I am going to compare to being bipolar.  You can ask me how I'm doing one minute and you may get, "Great!" And you may ask me the following hour and get, "I'm done, please take these boys out."  I'm sure this is all normal pregnancy things but man is it tough to control myself.

Speaking of controlling myself, I can't lay off the chocolate and ice cream.  The highlight of my day today, a Ghirardelli square-Pecan Pie. Yum! The not so highlight of my day, a stranger kissing his hand and putting it on my belly AND getting pains while trying to get just one errand done.  (I think it's Mr Cooper's positioning, your head may be on my hip)

My stats: Gained 76 pounds. Restless leg syndrome at night, Mark says I snore now (he recorded it), I'm itchy, stretchmarks here to stay, both babies have been head down, my face is fatty mcfat-fat.
This picture: looks like my belly has dropped a little, but I still don't think I'm going to meet my boys til closer to Christmas if not after...not knowing is really tough on me.

Word to the wise boys: Mama DOES NOT like surprises...

Side Note: Mark and I will be setting a wedding date very soon.  We are looking forward to our future.  :)

Maternity Photo Shoot and some thoughts

 

I decided to get maternity photos taken because I knew I would regret it if I didn't.  I know I don't have the best memory and looking back at photos helps me remember what I was thinking and feeling around that time.  At this point in the pregnancy 90% of my time and thoughts were directed towards these growing boys inside of me. (The other 10% is what am I going to eat next).  My life has a new meaning and a new direction, and that is taking care of and unconditionally loving my family.

This one is my favorite

I feel this one says it all.  My favorite.  Mark my soon to be husband (by law, and on paper at least) is amazing.  He is someone I look up to in every way and makes me feel good inside and out.  I have spent so much time trying to make things fit where they don't and Mark came into the picture and everything really did fall into place.  We work together on a daily basis to communicate and to be there for one another and to put each other first.  I can 100% without a doubt in my mind say, he is the one, my heart and my soul.  I can't wait to see him with our boys, I know he'll do great.  I had so much fun taking these photos with him.

Love, love, and more love

This pregnancy I feel has made me a little more calmer as a person.  Of course I have my moments of weakness, when I'm past the point of tired or hormones are getting the best of me, but overall I think I'm a lot more easy going.  Before pregnancy...road rage, anger towards complete strangers, even some hate sometimes.  I'm still far from perfect and know I never will be, but I think I'm coming to a realization that there's more to it than the day-to-day struggles.  I have a wonderful family and awesome friends and I can't wait for the boys to meet them and see the world for all of it's good.

This is it

This is it right here, this is what it's all about.  Giving, receiving, loving, helping, being helped, creating a circle of friends, growing that circle, being there for everyone who needs you; when they need you, sharing love and recreating, respecting everyone, being kind, showing gratitude and appreciation.  It's so easy to take it all for granted while we're rushing from place to place.

This photo shoot was more fun than expected and these pictures will always bring back pleasant memories. 

-10/23/2010

It's a wonderful life.

Mom's First Letter to The Boys

Hey Boys,

I have decided for my first letter, I'm going to write it to both of you.  I didn't ever think I'd be the type to write letters to my unborn children or even put this much thought into what the future holds for you guys.
I am currently in my 26th week of pregnancy with you guys and loving every minute of it.  I'm hoping to have you guys at 36 weeks, but I'm sure you have other plans. (Someone is kicking me as I type.)  To give you a little information, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm watching football without your dad, he left for Las Vegas this afternoon for a work function.  I'm on bedrest because the doctor wants me to watch my blood pressure with you two so I have started this blog so that I can keep track of everything that's going to happen in our lives from here on out.  Hopefully when you two are adults you can look back and be able to see the love your dad and I have for you both.

We're getting really excited for your arrival.  As soon as we found out there were two of you we moved into a two bedroom apartment instead of one.  Both sets of grandparents came to help with the move since I was already told I couldn't do much.  They got everything moved in less than 2 hours.  Your cribs are up, your shower is set for November 7th which I'm very excited for, and we already have a savings account going for whatever extra activities you guys decide to do when you're older.

Your names: Your dad picked them BOTH out.  (I always say he always gets his way.)  We had Cooper picked out almost right away.  Cannon on the other hand dad wanted and I wasn't too sure about.  It grew on me with time though.  Baby B which is you Cooper we gave you that name the day we found out you had cleft lip.  I had an AH-HA moment that night and just knew that should be your name.  Your middle name Anthony being after your dad, grandpa, and great grandpa and great grandpa on my mom's side.  Cannon, baby A, your middle name Alex is after me (Alexis), which is after my dad and his dad and it goes on.  I think it's pretty cool that you guys have the same initials.  Hope you don't think it's too corny.  :)

My Prediction: I like to try to think I know who you guys are going to be and what type of personalities you'll have, so here it goes.
 
Cannon: I think you are going to be trouble.  I think you may be the instigator, aggressor, and tough guy.  Why?  Cause I think you're kicking the you know what all out of me the most!  You seem very active in there.  At our 4D ultrasound (which your grandma Tonette treated us to) it was like you were toying with us.  You had your butt in Cooper's face, and had no problem showing us your stuff.
 
Cooper: I think you may be the strong silent, but loving, and compassionate one.  You seemed a little shy at the ultrasound but you just looked so sweet and innocent.  I really can't wait to meet both of you.
I can't explain the love I feel for you all day everyday.  Your dad and I are two very happy and in love people and our love is growing more and more everyday because soon you two will be joining us.  I have so much more to tell you guys and I plan on it within the next ten weeks, but for now, I have to eat cause you guys are sucking the life out of me.  :)

I love you,

Mom  (sounds funny to me still)